Except, this time, I decided maybe Marc and I should approach our resolutions differently this year.

All the years before (when I have coerced Marc into formulating some sort of trite list), we accumulate a half-hour’s worth of ideas onto a pitifully jotted sheet of paper that we promptly fold up and lose.  Novel ideas like “Say yes!”, “Read more”, “Save money”, and “Floss daily” end up lost and ignored for another 363 days or so.

This year, I feel no need to reflect on the past.  After all, I only have to take a quick inventory to see that I squandered much of 2011 in a state of doubt and depression.  Nothing about that is anything I want to relive.

Being that 2011 was one of the toughest years of my life, mixed intricately of residual blessing and fearing the future, I gracefully thank the year for lessons God brought me, and then let go.  I leave my hands open to the adventure God holds for me in 2012.

Still, making a few, specific, resolutions can only help make the most of a shining year full of promise, right?

Here is where you can help.  Help me get specific, that is.

1.  Blog more.

Create an editorial schedule for two of my three blogs, and maintain them with regularity that I abandoned last year.  Can you think of any topics, personally, professionally, environmentally, spiritually, maritally, or fertility that you would like for me to discuss?  I would love your input, suggestions, or questions.

2.  Read more.

I’m 32 this year.  Did I mention that my birthday is New Year’s Day, meaning a new year really is a new year for me?  For the last decade, I have barely picked up a work of fiction.  I am quite a fan of non-fiction, and in the last year, specifically fertility books and spiritual books.  I would like to create a list of 20 must-reads for my year though.  Any suggestions.  No summer beach-read types.  No Twilight crap (no offense).  I am thinking I would like to stick to non-fiction, biographies, spiritual books, or classic fiction or ground-breaking contemporary fiction.  Please, help me make my list… and the sooner the better, since each day gone is one less to explore 2012!

3.  Take photographs more.

Several years back, you could not find me at any event or holiday without a camera being stuck to the front of my face.  Then, I got sick of the fact I was never in a single photo of holiday gatherings, and decided I would “rather live life rather than chronicle it”.  Bologna.  Now, I have about three years of life without any photographs to chronicle people and fun occasions.  And people die.  Photos are timeless.  Any tips for getting back into the swing of things, or favorite photography tips?

4.  Pray.  Endlessly.  Devoutly.  Lovingly.  Faithfully.

Two thousand eleven marked a year that I realized my decades of half-baked praying and attempts at convincing God that my plans were in His best interest were delusional.  Then, I decided, why pray at all?  God has it all figured out, right?  So why ask for things He has already decided when I can just crucify Him all over again by assuming He will make decisions that only hurt me and piss me off?

Then I woke up and had a million messages whispered to me that I was to pray.  Unceasingly.  Unfailingly.  With expectation.  With great joy.  With belief.

Still, I find myself having a hard time creating this practice.  Any recommendations on how you have incorporated prayer as a meaningful, faithful part of your daily life and devotion are welcomed.  Any scripture you refer to during tough times is appreciated.  Sincerely.

We have a few other items on our list.  Some much needed home renovation.  Some preparations so that we are ready to be parents when God grants us that wish.  Some art endeavors on both of our behalves.  Things we are excited about and specific about, but the ones above, I would greatly enlist your advice on.

May you have a beautiful, magical 2012, as I know we will!  Happy New Year, and if I can help you with your own 2012 adventures, please let me know!

Hugs and love,

~ Ashley Sue

1.  Know how to make lemonade.

A positive twist is important.  In every thing you do, a positive attitude is frankly the only attitude to have.

Dwelling on what is not working, as well as harping on how things have always been done before, is no way to get your organization in a leading position in the future.  Plus, people simply enjoy friendly over snide banter.

Practice smiling.  When you wash the dishes, water the plants, make that phone call, or reply to the nasty email you got from an unhappy customer, take a deep breath and smile.  Trust me, count your blessings and take a friendly, high-road approach.

Also, a positive spin always makes everyone happier.

OK, that is a lie.  Some people are insatiable.  Other than those who perpetually see the sad side of life, however, turning any situation into something sunny-side up helps everyone feel like they win.  Besides, staying positive pushes you to keep your own faith high, too.

Honey, my dear, will get you everywhere.*

2.  Feel good saying “yes,” say “yes” with excitement, and always think “why not?” before saying “no”.

Have you seen the movie Yes! Man?

Jim Carrey’s performance and his romance with the always charming Zooey Deschanel always inspires me to leap out and say “YES!” to life.  Oh, the adventures to be had!

Really.  I watch this movie something like once a month, and am seriously considering this replacing my New Years Day tradition of watching 200 Cigarettes (double-feature, anyone?).

We can become all too comfortable shooting ideas down, but largely, I believe we say “no” out of fear.  We can make excuses and miss out on a lot of opportunities and a lot of living.

Hmmm…. would you prefer to spend your time thinking of excuses out of things, or experiencing and learning lots of new things?

3.  Stay flexible.  It’s against human nature, but we all have to adapt constantly.

Enough said.

Situations arise.  Circumstances change.  Obstacles love popping up into our plans more than you love your Mama’s pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.

The same is true in marketing.  Whether you are talking about the ever changing world of communication tools, the constantly evolving economic forecast, or the everyday dealings within an organization, being agile will get you far.  When things get tough, that agility will transition you and your client or organization smoothly into ideal future positioning.

4. Again, going back to the original article, be true to who you are… with risks!

Learn new things, get outside of that comfort zone.  Stepping into new, scary territory will grow you more, both as an individual and professionally, than perhaps anything else you can do in your career.

Pitch your bad idea (to trusted company, of course).  Keep track of concepts that seem insane.

Then, think “why not?”

And when people tell you it cannot be done, ask “why not?”

Then, when people tell you how it has always been done instead, ask “why?”

Some of these bad, insane ideas can become polished into the most amazing gems.  I promise.

Yes!

~ Ashley Sue

*”Honey” is not code for lying or brown-nosing.  Integrity is everything, dear, and if you lie, cheat, or steal, everyone will smell you out in future dealings, long before you have had the chance to try “winning” them over again.

Our store sold very basic, get-along-with-nearly-any-decor tart burners for $3.99 each.  Yankee Candle tarts, which are the only ones I believe are worth buying, were $1 each.

After three weeks of working, my manager exclaimed that I was the Tart Burner Queen, as I convinced nearly every single shopper to spend the few dollars to invest in these magical tarts and burners, which would burn for 6 hours per tart and make your house smell amazing for a full 10 hours.

Really, a $5 add-on to every purchase is a good job for 16-year-old me.

Customers loved me because they knew I was being honest (I would tell them to buy the necessary tealight candles at Dollar Tree down the mall, instead of paying $3.99 for a pack of 10 from us).  My manager was happy to get the boost in add-on sales.  Not to mention, most of these customers started buying tarts in bulk from us, as gifts for their friends and to stock up on the season’s scents!

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Several years ago, during an internship for the marketing department of a local news station, my managers began talks with me about turning my internship into a job after graduation.  In conversation, I explained that I refused to work for the sales department.  “I am not a sales person,” I confidently declared.

“You are always selling something, Ashley.  Always,” my soon-to-be boss told me.

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If you are a marketer, it is in your bones.  It is in your blood.  You are the first to yap to your friends when you love something, and largely because you cannot help but share this great find.  When you find an amazing purse on clearance for $8, you are never afraid to rave about that during all the compliments you get.  No shame – marketing is who you are, period.

1.  Do not confuse marketing with selling. 

Being a marketer for the sake of marketing is no marketing at all.  You lack heart.  That is straight, pure salesmanship.  Be honest with yourself, and call yourself a salesman if that is what you are doing.  Trust me, you will make more money in the sales department anyhow.  On the downside, you may have a lot less creative freedom in how to reach people, also.

Remember my story about the tart burners.  I was the Tart Burner Queen (pride-worthy, right?) because I believed in the product.  I bought two for my mom, and several more for friends’ moms.  I stocked up on Macintosh Apple tarts because my mom and I could not get enough of the scent in our hot, un-air-conditioned home.  Heck, 15 years later, I have two of them in my house right now!

Believing in what you are pushing is marketing.  Believing you need to make that quota and you’ll sell ice to an Inuit is sales.

2.  Remember, what my amazing mentor of a boss said is true:  You are always selling something.

What?  Did I not just tell you not to draw a sharp line between marketing and sales?

Yes.  Yes, I did.  You must remember, however, that marketing and sales are important to each other and intrinsically meshed.  While you, as a marketer, may deal less with the money figures, your job is to get those numbers up.  To raise awareness, to raise volunteerism, to raise participation, to raise public opinion.  Your job is to raise your company/ your values/ your ideals above the competition.

This goes for the news producers down at the news station, too, or the receptionist at your dentist, or the pastor at your church.  Every single person in an organization is selling the integrity and quality of their organization through their representation.

3.  Just because you are a marketer does not mean you are, nor should be, the face of the organization.

YouTube, Vimeo, Viddler, Twitter, and reality TV have given rise to an entire “generation” of self-professed super stars, ninjas, experts, gurus, mavens, rock stars, managers, etc.

As if the natural narcissistic desire to get all the credit, fame, and glory were not enough, many of these “experts” babble endlessly about your need to establish your personal brand.

Remember, however, if you work with a client or ask to be employed by a company or organization, they may not see your pants-dropping charisma as the asset you do.  With some corporate structures, nationally-heralded institutions, or non-profits, they may want a marketer who is comfortable working behind the curtain, nearly invisible to the outside.

Clients and companies hire you to make them look good.  Unless your name is J-Lo or Ann Curry, chances are they have no interest in videos starting with you introducing yourself.  They want your work to show them shine, and nothing else.

Also, as my brilliant friend Christina (@skimtheocean or her personal website) said,

Big marketing peeve! Especially on websites. They paid you to BUILD it, not tattoo it w/ your name. You don’t pay rent on their home page.

Amen, Sister.  What silliness.  If you are trying to shine, publicly, on your organization’s/ client’s time, you are not marketing.  You are self-promoting.

4.  Do not become a social media slut. 

Only other social media sluts enjoy the company and antics of … well, you get me.

I cannot take credit for that word choice (nor am I sure I want to), but I can thank Grow for their article from yesterday.

The story touches on the fact that just because you “know” social media does not mean you know marketing.

Also, assuming that you want to make your life’s work “social media”, then you need to have a career at Facebook, Twitter, or even Plurk, but not as a marketer trying to do justice by marketing another individual/ company/ or institution.

Your client or employer deserves more than a short-sighted, half-conceived attempt at marketing.

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No doubt, a hundred “rules” or reminders can help you be better at what you do.  Just look at Jeffrey Gitomer books for examples.

I beg of you, however, please… please embrace my four reminders.

Do what you love, and be true to who you are.  As a marketer, can you mesh those two well?  Or are you a sell-out?

~ Ashley Sue

Like many other authors, I put thoughts into the world that might offend.  One of my recent posts reflects on online privacy (oxymoron).  Like any editorial tends to do, my post included anecdotes from my personal life.  I am a writer, and pondering different questions and sharing details is what I do – it’s called “writing what you know”.

In this case, a problem-riddled relationship with an old girlfriend was my true-life example.  Not that she or our history was the basis of my post, but still a rather resounding example to use as to why I feel conflicted.

These have NOTHING to do with anything, but I figured you could use the scenery!

She later addressed me head-on in an email, which I will admit is something I carefully chose not to do in the last year of our relationship.  I point the latter out because she asserts that I am “cowardly” and “passive aggressive” for writing my thoughts, my journey, and my fears on websites instead of having called her.

Are all of our blogs “cowardly” in nature for being places where we question our own lives, our choices, our relationships, our careers, and our dreams?  Is choosing to keep our mouths shut in the face of conflict and muddling through our inner questions via our personal websites “passive aggressive”?

The truth is, I had reached out in various light-hearted ways, as to show I still cared about her.  If something of that nature goes unanswered, I assume, as is popularly said, that “the ball is in their court”.

What I do not assume is that I have the right to demand an answer as for someone else’s (lack of) response or behavior.

A couple years ago, I heard a marvelous quote along the lines of it not being my business what anyone else thinks of me, so why ask?

For instance, over the last few years, I have had a guy from high school contact me repeatedly, reaching out over Facebook or various other methods.  I simply ignore the requests.

I have nothing against him, per se, and we were, for about three years as teenagers, close.  We parted ways ages ago, however, and I have no delusions of reuniting with him as friends and how magically neat that would be.

Nothing about becoming Facebook friends over a decade later would be neat, nor magical.  Our last encounters were not hostile, but also not friendly.

Why do we believe that just because we can “friend” everyone online that we once knew, that we should?

Anyhow, this fellow ended up sending me a very defensive email, asking what I had against him that I would not “friend” him and why I was making it personal.  I never bothered to reply to that email either.  We had not talked in over a decade.  If he took it personal, that was his choice.  I really did not need to share how I do or do not feel toward him.  He does not need to know how I feel in order to resume his life happily.

Case in point.

Back to the drama at hand -

I get it – if you feel anger toward someone, you should confront them.  If you have a problem with a friend, try talking it out.  Otherwise, you are acting in a cowardly manner.

Only, without delving into history, I can honestly say I did try confronting the situation – and I was shut down.  Which is fine – and I am not crying the victim role.  There are no victims in my life.  I am not slighted.  I see our dysfunctional communication as symptomatic of our relationship.

I figure I can gather by someone’s actions whether to step in or step back.  I also figure that when I tell someone how I feel and that I still care about them, but I am cut off and told how wrong I am and how terrible I am… well, I guess I have very little to figure out! 

Life is fleeting, right?  Shouldn’t we laugh more (check out Ecclesiastes, if you are not familiar) and enjoy life?

So I decided spinning my energy back into open communication and friendships was my best pursuit.

Placing more energy into a confrontation and what looked to be yet another war of words was not.

That is a decision I do not regret, even in the slightest.  I prayed long and hard on what to do, for months, and answering sarcasm and accusations in any manner was not where God guides me anymore.

The thing to remember:

God takes care of things.  Everything.  In exactly the way it should be.  He shows us what we should see – that is, if we ask and if we are willing to accept what He answers.

So, for those of you who work through your conflicting feelings on Faith, religion, family, health, social media, and friendship online and in writing…

Do you feel like a coward?

I confidently can say I do not.  I feel strongly rooted in my Spirit, my Friendships, my Family, and my Strength… all of which I may have questions about, but am willing to be vulnerable to find answers.  I guess I have her email to thank for giving me the ability to recognize my own strength and courage.

Writing takes courage. You have to be strong enough to take what people dish back… for the mere act of having shared your world.

Putting your soul out there takes courage.  Explaining the most intimate thoughts, fears, and experiences in your life so your words are more than empty preaching… that takes courage.  I know Carlos Whittaker is courageous.  I know all of the fertility bloggers I have come to know are courageous.  I know my gal pal Lisa Sullivan and local Rockstar Ilina are courageous.

And I have so many awesome family (hello Moms and Sissies!) and friends (the family we choose!) to thank for inspiring me constantly with their own strength, courage, and ability to keep their heads high in their journeys!  From the first girls I met when I began college (and the fraternity), to the sisters (and brother!) I made when I worked at the station, to people whom I have known since middle school whom I have also found such great camaraderie in, no matter where our lives have taken us…

Marc and I are so blessed to find ourselves surrounded with amazing, talented, supportive, loving, genius, hilarious, courageous and positive people!  And their courage and positive force reminds me to keep my head high and live… and write… without fear holding me back.

I guess all I need now is someone who can help me get all this passion and courage out more concisely.

Love, Light, and Courage to you each,

And always, any Godly advice or points-of-view from others in these trenches is appreciated!

Ashley Sue

@TheRab is always awesome and full of wow moments for me.  This is his second post on Facebook, for instance, that I felt perfectly capture my exact feeling in this exact moment.

Thank you!

Ashley Sue

Last month, Time magazine had a great cover article by Joel Stein:

“Your Data For Sale:  Everything about you is being tracked – get over it.”

The “get over it” part is what hooked me, as I see a lot of people daily tirading against the antics of Facebook and Google.

Stein checked a number of major data-mining firms to see what they have on him.  After all, he is a tech savvy national writer with quite the cyber footprint.  Sharing what he finds from each agency, Joel realized every company has a number of erroneous facts:

RapLeaf, a data-mining company that was recently banned by Facebook because it mined people’s user IDs, has me down as a 35-to-44-year-old married male with a graduate degree living in L.A. But RapLeaf thinks I have no kids, work as a medical professional and drive a truck. RapLeaf clearly does not read my column in TIME.

Worrying zealously over Facebook’s newest privacy change only diverts yourself from reality.  By screaming at the scapegoat (bold emphasis is mine), you blame FB and Google for your own surfing habits:

This data is collected in lots of ways, such as tracking devices (like cookies) on websites that allow a company to identify you as you travel around the Web and apps you download on your cell that look at your contact list and location. You know how everything has seemed free for the past few years? It wasn’t. It’s just that no one told you that instead of using money, you were paying with your personal information.

Do we need to be afraid of bundles of intermittent information about us – information that we as individuals chose to put out into the web – being sold off so we receive specifically targeted ads as we surf the web?

The article points out how most people do not seem creeped out by direct-marketing junk mail, which we receive after those companies buy the exact same information to use for their targeted mailings.

Ultimately, I agree with Stein that the more I know, the less worried I am about mining:

“There’s a lot of fear that holds people back from doing things they would otherwise do online. This is part of the cost of privacy uncertainty. People are a little wary of trying out some new site or service if they’re worried about giving their information,” Felten says.

(Stein:)[...O]ddly, the more I learned about data mining, the less concerned I was. Sure, I was surprised that all these companies are actually keeping permanent files on me. But I don’t think they will do anything with them that does me any harm. There should be protections for vulnerable groups, and a government-enforced opt-out mechanism would be great for accountability. But I’m pretty sure that, like me, most people won’t use that option.

For instance, I know that as an adult and member of our society, the default setting for my life is public, and being private would take great great effort.

Instead of fearing what these data mining companies are trying to find out in order to sell me shoes, I am much more afraid of the information I put on Twitter or Facebook about myself that could make me the target of an assault by someone.  Like an actual person, not an ad.

An actual human, not a computer algorithm, right here in my own community, can be tracking the very things I say on social networking sites or my blog.  The result of that tragedy would not be the fault of Twitter, Facebook, Google, Craigslist, or Apple… the social media are the tools, not the problem.

Our underestimating of how what we choose to say and pictures we choose to share can hurt us is a much bigger problem.  That is what ultimately puts us in harm’s way.

Like usual, however, we would much rather sue someone else and play the victim when things go wrong than to think daily about our own accountability and consequences.

Surfing the ‘net, and not worrying about it,

Ashley Sue

Honestly, after a year of increasingly seeing that I felt a deep void somewhere inside myself, I reached out to God.  This interest in finding my Faith probably started as soon as I rejected religion as I had known it at the age of 13.  Yet, suddenly, I was 29, and more unsure of my purpose than I had ever been before.

In the stereotypical “fight or flight” fashion, I was generally a woman to grab a kite whizzing by and pray it whisked me far away from my problems.  I have only ever wanted to feel passionate about what I pursue in my life, but somehow always felt I was in the wrong place.  Move away, and everything would be the way it was meant.

One of the few areas of my life that I believed in fighting for was in my relationships.  When I was in my 20s, however, my bleeding heart often kept me in friendships with toxic people.  People who I knew had so much potential, but they played the victim over and over in their lives, refusing to change or take accountability.

Marc was the exception – the one person I never pushed away (too hard) – because I knew he was My Person.  His belief in me and ability to really love me (not say it, but be it) continued to surprise me.  Increasingly though, I knew that love alone was not enough to sustain the long journey of life.  I needed clarity.  I needed to trust (myself, to become whom I am meant to be, to surround myself with genuine people, and to be vulnerable to those I love).

I needed Faith.

I knew I had to distance myself from all the distractions so that God and I could have a session.  My avoidances included the joy of air conditioning.  After all, air conditioning means I am in a hotel room… not in nature, closer with what I sought.  Also, having air conditioning meant I would likely have a TV, and people to talk with.  Hello, Distractions.

I set up my tent, called Marc to let him know I was safe, and cooked dinner.  Well after dark rose and humidity plummeted, I walked out onto the desolate beach.  I walked and walked before I felt like, what’s the point.  I sat down in the sand.  I watched the waves in the moonlight.

“What do you want from me?  What now?”  I yelled out.  I burst into tears.  I sobbed until I stopped.  “I’m here!  Please tell me what I need to know!” I cried.

I picked myself and began the walk back in the dark.

Somehow through the ferocity of the waves, I heard a slapping noise in front of me.  I turned on my flashlight for the first time all night to find a baby stingray, about two feet from wing to wing, washed ashore.  As the waves would rush onto the beach, they would merely lap at the stingray, teasing it before washing away without it.

For the next half hour, I submerged myself into trying to get my little buddy back out to sea.  I used the only stick I could find on the beach… I used a piece of broken rope debris.  I got on my knees and began digging out the sand from around and under the stingray, thinking surely the physics of it would take him back.

My every effort only seemed to hinder my fellow friend from returning home.  The rope seemed to turn his wing under, which I feared may injure or hurt him.  The digging first only washed him further up the tide line, then worked to create a lovely little moat around him as if he were a sand castle.

In the end, I did the only thing I had left to do… I prayed.  I prayed that God would save his creature, as I could not.  I prayed God would not let the little guy suffer, and that maybe I simply did not understand that perhaps this was normal and he would make it back to sea.  I prayed for God to resolve my heart to knowing I could not do anything further to help the stingray, and at that moment, no one could except God.

So angry at my ineptitude, I walked away from the stingray.  I turned my light back off and walked the remaining miles praying and crying.  In the morning, the stingray was gone from the beach.  In fact, no sign he had ever been there existed.

My trip did not result in hearing a booming voice-over commentary from God, directing me what to do or what to believe.  I did not see an image in the sand of Jesus.

I did see a baby bird that had leapt from his next in the tree by my tent, trying to hide from me as I caught photos of him.  I did see a long black snake scamper across the sand at my tent, leaving a beautiful pattern in the sand that I later lay in.  I saw the sparkle of thousands of sand spiders’ eyes in the weeds and brush at night as I walked with my flashlight.  I saw many bunnies playing among the dunes near my tent during all hours of the day.

The trip was a milestone in my journey, however.  A stepping stone into believing.

I learned that sometimes God knocks you in the head to get your attention.  He prefers to whisper, however.

I learned that God needed me to realize that I cannot save the stingray.  I cannot save anyone.  Heck, I cannot save myself.  I can only seek the tools and life that create positive energy and change.

I learned that I had the audacity and strength – the faith in myself – to camp alone.  To take care of myself.  To be self-sufficient in a world that often scares me deeply.

Now, the Outer Banks are one of the most important places in my life.  Faith is the most important thing in my life.  Listening for the whispers have become my most important goal in life.  I gave my trust to myself, and a few months later, Marc and I became engaged.  At the Outer Banks, not coincidentally.  I may not have the answers, to anything really, but I finally am open to the possibilities.

I refer to the trip often, and I realized I never really shared with you this leg of my journey (nor did I explain in this novella how I knew I had to take this journey).  So here it is.  A thousand steps before leading here… several more steps since that lead to now.

Most appropriately, just like my journey to Faith, I have no idea how to finish this post.  I guess, like my journey, and like yours, the ending is not really up to me.  My job is only to learn what wisdom I can and enjoy the ride while I am here…

And onward we go,

Ashley Sue

My Dad had the cahones to tell me he does not have time to take his multivitamin and glucosamine anymore.  Come on, Dad, really?

Somehow, I want to live mindfully amidst the everyday dealings of life.  I want to free myself from the burden of distractions. And I can imagine that you do, too.

Time-sucks.  Like the phantom energy you hear about from keeping your appliances plugged in, distractions waste precious resources.

Television.
The Internet.
Twitter.
Facebook.
The Internet.
The dishes.
Text messages (even distract you while you drive!).
Your best friend.
Your coworker.
Your pile of fashion magazines.

Distractions come when I least need them, but often because I most want them.

Well, kind of. I want to finish my tasks, but I also want to give into a lack of discipline to let my mind wander. This, however, will only lead to a path of regret and self-pity.

You have to make the conscious effort and dedicate yourself to focus.

Distractions will not go away.  They proliferate by nature.

What is your nature?

Do you finish things?
Do you commit daily to your Faith, your health, your family, and very importantly – your work?
Or do you fizzle out and rarely complete any given tasks by deadline?

If you are having a terrible time committing yourself to your exercise plan, your design project, your home renovation efforts, or your writing, take time to remove the clutter from your head, your desk, and your life.

Leo Babauta has some fantastic tips to refocus and recharge.

I want to finish my tasks.

I choose to know myself as the “It’s as good as done!” model.

You?

Get with it.  Life’s clock is ticking by, and there goes your life with it!

Ashley Sue

Cheers and love,

Ashley Sue

PS.  Please forgive me for using the term “Big Guy”.  Lame. 

I pride myself on seeing grey, being able to explain all sorts of variables, different perspectives, and the frameworks that motivate people into different possible scenarios.  I grew up thinking I would one day be a psychotherapist, and this facet of who I am makes me wonder why I did not.*

Bettina Paige authored her autobiographical account, however, of deciding that she wanted to have a second child, relying on artificial reproductive technology (ART) to become pregnant, understanding the risks of multiples when using ART, became pregnant with twins, disgruntling her husband who already was not completely stoked about even having the second child, and then choosing to abort the healthy boy twin in favor of keeping the girl – so that she and her husband could maintain their cute, suburban lifestyle, private schools in the future, and perfect Mommy, Daddy, son, and daughter future portraits.**

She refers to the procedure as the medical community does:  “selective reduction”.  I call it what it is:  “abortion”.

A lot of ethical questions come from her cautionary tale.

• Is it OK to want a baby enough to use artificial reproductive assistance, and simultaneously OK to decide to kill it?
• Her husband said the twins “weren’t part of God’s plan. They were the product of artificial insemination.”  Does that mean he believes that a child conceived in ART is not included in God’s grace, or a part of God’s will?  Unless this husband is atheist, his rationalization sounds like the ultimate in bastardizing your child.  Or unless, somehow, upon being born, the child is considered one of God’s children… I wish he could explain his theory.  (Here’s a take on this over at MultipleMama.com.)
• Should a woman who frequently refers to her marriage a fragile and her lifestyle as being already almost more than they can maintain be pursuing another child at all?
• Do I even have the right to ask the previous three questions, as I do remember something about God being the only One rightful to judge another’s heart?
• How ethical is it to arbitrarily decide to kill a baby based on it’s gender and have a doctor inject that child’s heart with a poison to kill in in-utero?
• If you support a woman’s right to choose, is her reasoning not equal in justification to any other woman’s, no matter how selfish and petty sounding her reasons are?
• If I disagree that she should have the legal right to choose abortion in her instance, does that thus make me “pro-life”?
• Is all of this “playing God” OK at all?  Sasha Brown-Worsham explains it best at CafeMom.com.
• How far away is this from “selectively reducing” a gay child or such – when technology gets us to this point in genetic testing – if we can off a kid because of its sex?

One thing I know for sure.  This lady is the perfect example of why I am against reproductive assistance being covered by insurance.  She is a clear case, in my opinion, of someone who abused the availability of her insurance, and at the expense of many other insurance customers who are very much against both reproductive assistance and abortion.

A commenter on one forum is the only one I saw who also acknowledges that the ethics of the Bettina Paige controversy extend not only into right-to-life but into the financials as well:

They make selective reduction a religious or moral issue, which is their choice.  However, it’s our money that pays for the VERY expensive H.O.M. pregnancies, births, NICU, and excessive abuse of  tax payer dollars that are required to bring these children into the world and sustain them.  I believe that’s VERY wrong.  If these people knew that the government and their communities would not bail them out, I don’t think they’d remain so stubbornly indignant about selective reduction.

Mrs. Paige made me absolutely ill with her self-serving delusional state of mine, all while making me questions the values I thought I believe in.***

I am sick.  Sick to my stomach, and I must admit, this story and others like it are enough to pull me far right-of-center.

Trying to understand and love thy neighbor…

Ashley Sue

*Concerning abortion, I always considered myself left of center (until recently) and rarely understood many people’s half-rationalized explanations for being “pro-life”.  Except for people who were devoutly church-going, as I know choices of Faith are more often black-and-white, simply put.  Though I can argue with many of the people who claimed this reason, as many claim to be OK with abortion in cases of rape or health-endangerment, which I cannot see compartmentalizing as special case.

**Elle – July 15, 2010.  The article can also be read here on CNN Health.

***I am so not alone.  Some real ignorant comments can fly when discussing abortion, and assuming that most women have had one is one of many.