Goodbye to 29 (aka 2009)

One year ago tonight, I looked at Marc and said we were going bowling. Just he and I.

Poor guy, all he wanted to do was go to sleep early so he could get a full day of hunting in on New Year’s Day (North Carolina’s last day for deer hunting).  Twenty-eight had been a spontaneous, impulsive year where I knew I wanted change.  Knowing this led me to do crazy things like seek a new career during an economically unstable time and uproot my life to Asheville to build our future.  I also knew 29 was going to be a really exciting, internal year for me, so I had to kick it off with laughs.  We trudged our way in the cold to cosmic bowling, jamming to Kanye West and taking in a pitcher of beer and popcorn.

We had even been place in Lane 29, which I knew was a sign we had come to the right place.  When the ball dropped, we were at Lynnwood Grill, kicking back our favorite beers and saying hello to 2009.

Now I get to say goodbye to my 20s, but this New Years Eve is quite different and more low-key.  Internal and reflective, just like this year has been.

I would like to say a toast to my 20s, and in particular 29, which I loved every agonizing minute of as I learned who I am.

To 2009,

Thank you for a Steelers Super Bowl win.  God knows it looks slim that we’ll get a repeat this season.

Thank you for communication technology, and in particular, Twitter.  Because of Twitter, my time in Asheville was not wasted.  I met amazing people I had already been getting to know online.  Ty from TopFloorStudio, Brent N, Wendy Lou, Christina of Ergonomix PR, Jeff Lail, Andrew, Kimberly, Roadhacker, Thomas Beckett, David of Bourne Media, Justin, Allie Sullivan, Jose, A Roller Girl, Fobes, Sue Huskins, Gordon Smith, Lance Ball, Travis, Ed Brenegar, and June are a few of the amazing people I met after I felt like I already knew them.  Those are just the starting point!  The creative minds and amazing people behind Asheville and those I left behind in Raleigh were introduced to me far before I got to meet them in person, see them in action (hello Twestival).

Also as a thank you Twitter, for Nine Mile, Marc’s and my favorite Asheville restaurant, which I learned about through Twitter.

Also as a thank you for communication technology, Skype allowed me to continue having coffee with my best friend Sara.  Facebook helped me see a “new” friend’s journey via Facebook.  See why I’m a fan of social media and communication technology?

Thank you for the car accident a friend from college had.  Finding out that my fraternity brother and his new bride had been (through no fault of their own) in a potentially fatal car accident woke me up to the fact I had spent long enough in Asheville and without Marc.  When you have someone amazing you want to spend your life with, you spend your life with him.  As the adage goes, “Home is where the heart is.”  The next morning, I packed my car, left my sister and brother-in-law’s house in Asheville, and moved back in with Marc in Raleigh.  Since five months in Asheville had not landed me a job, I realized it was time to change strategy and take new risks… like learning that the Triangle is amazing and loving life there.

Thank you for my fraternity brother and his bride happily and healthily surviving their heart wrenching ordeal.  I have perhaps never been happier for two people.

Thank you for an amazing sister and an unrealistically amazing brother-in-law who agreed to house me indefinitely in their effort to support Marc and me pursuing our dreams, finding amazing jobs, and building a home in Asheville.  God had different plans for us, which are based in the Triangle, but I would have not known that or appreciated it without the efforts of trying to live closer with my amazing Sis and Hubs and trying to force Asheville into place.  Without them… well, they are part of why I am where I am and whatever my future holds.

2009, I thank you for getting me back in a swimming pool.  I found my inner child, my inner Zen, my inner tears, and I found them all in a swimming pool!  For a girl who used to hate summer (boy, did I curse humidity), I am re-embraced my inner southern belle.  Now I love three seasons, and I cannot wait to swim again!  Global warming, will you hurry up already and make it summer year-round!!*

Cheers to discovering the neti-pot!  It’s a shower for inside your head!  Always a winning effort.

Thank you for being the year I allowed myself to hear God.  After 16 years of fighting my inner demons related to my Christian upbringing, I allowed God to speak to me, and I stopped passing him off as “a message from the Universe”.  Not that I had much of a choice anymore.  Yet May 28th, at a City Lights meeting that I went to only to support a dear friend, I heard the voice, and I did as he said. Within a week, I found myself camping alone in the Outer Banks so I could hear nothing but God, the waves, and my own heart.  The journey since has been the highest highs and the scariest places I have ever been, but always without doubt knowing that this journey only lifts me, if I can only stop fighting it.  I continue to pray that my heart is opening to this journey and that God can, and indeed will, reach me again.  I want it.  I ask for it.  That is the first step, right?**

Thank you for friends who do not give up.  For Francis and Mary, both of whom I have isolated myself from over the last decade as we have all changed into different women.  For Lauren B., who I isolated myself from a decade ago despite the fact she may be one of the best, most authentic friends ever.  For Teran, who knew when it was time to step in and do her part… and unrelentingly continued (continues) to help me in my journey and every part of my life.  For Lisa, who never stops working hard to keep our group together because she loves us so much and knows how much we all love each other.

To Wake County Wildlife Club, a cheers for your 2009 Hunters Safety Education Courses, awesome instructors like Wyatt Currin, and learning that hunters do NOT fit the stereotypes we un-hunter-types peg them to be.

Thank you for Courtney, who I spent last New Year’s Day angry with because our last conversation (I thought perhaps ever) had gone so badly.  I went jogging to jog her right out of my head.  I had not felt so hurt by a collapsed friendship in years, nor so helpless to repair it.  In June, at Teran’s wedding, Courtney stepped up to be the bigger person, and since I have recognized the unyielding blessing of her friendship in my heart and life.  I hope she and I can continue to grow that.

2009 was the year I realized my ridiculously annoying love-hate relationship with the Coen Brothers.  I want to boycott them because of their movies that I do not like, I really completely despise them.   But when their movies are good… man, they Rock.

Cheers to a year of surprises and surprise decisions.  From revisiting Outer Banks with Marc in September where we got to see amazing things like dolphins in the ocean***, to thinking I was having a Skype date with Sara in New York and unexpectedly answering the doorbell to find her standing in front of me instead, to trying deer meat with my sister (a vegetarian of 18 years) over the summer,  I rethought a lot of my blessings and standards and expectations in 2009.  This was perhaps the best surprise of all.

Thank you for friends like Emily G, who taught me to embrace who I am, but to build a strong foundation first… while standing in a pair of Danskos.

Thanks to letting me meet Steve Trash, who gave me the magic of a child again in a way that blew my mind… and continues to! 

Cheers to a year that I learned that you cannot run from your past (nor should you even try), but you sure as hell can do your part to close the door on that part of your life.  And not answer it when it knocks.  Repeatedly.  Because it will.  Boo.

To never getting hired in 2009.  Hehaheh  If I had, I would not have learned that sometimes my path is beyond my control.  God had (and has) a lot of messages I need to accept, and I apparently need this time to hear them… and apply the proper action.  Following my passion is vital though, but I had to learn (in part) to love the Triangle.  Alas, I finally get it!

To finally realizing what my Stepfather means to me.  He was an important piece in learning what kind of person I want to be and who I want to be surrounded by.  Realizing that I love him also helped me deepen my love for my other family members too.  I have an amazing family, and I hope never to forget that for a single moment.

Finally, to a year that has been one that taught me to laugh when I really want to cry.  Not having a job can be really stressful.  Planning a wedding on “no” budget can be really stressful.   Feeling like your career has been stunted by an insane economy can be really stressful.  Feeling like people who love you but are really judgmental (even with the best of intentions) can be really stressful.  All of these things can make a girl feel like she is about to lose her cool, like perhaps she does not have a lot of self-worth.  Instead, just laugh.  Feel the moments and roll with them.  I am who I am, and if I can be true to me, everyone else can suck it.  Hehaheh just kidding.  No, really, if I can be true to me, my self-worth is intact, and I can know that things will pick up again.  After all, I gained a lot through the things I lost.  So laugh, live, love.****

*BTW, so kidding on that global warming thing.  After all, I do run a website about living greener, you know.

**No, seriously.  Asking is the first step, right?  If not, somebody correct me real quick like.

***Oh yeah, and Marc proposed.  You might think that was not much of a surprise after a decade of dating, but you would be incredibly wrong.   Seriously, dementedly, incomprehensibly wrong.  This single event was tied for the most magical of my 2009.

****A HUGE thanks to the three members of my family who actually sat through this novel.   I wish this had been funnier, but c’est la vie. 2009 has been a deeply analytical year.  And only people who really deeply love you would sit through this shit.  Frankly, I do not even think I would subject Marc to it.

Hugs and all of my Love~

Goodbye 2009~

And Cheers to 30, a new start, changes manifesting, and 2010~

Ashley Sue